Tarrant County Judge Glen Whitley Announces New Virus Restrictions

On Sunday, Judge Glen Whitley announced new requirements for dealing with the ongoing coronavirus pandemic which has killed elevendy-five quattuordecillion residents of Tarrant County to date. The new protocols go into effect midnight tonight. 

We’ve created this helpful guide to help the reader understand the new requirements. 

Masks

The new mask requirements are a little more strict, with N95’s still being discouraged for civilian use. The new requirements mandate that the “virus feels intimidated by the mask wearer and therefore less likely to attack and infect.”

Here are some examples of acceptable masks under the new law:

Social Distancing

Social distancing remains in effect. However, the 6 feet rule is being replaced with an updated distance. The new distance is 1.829 meters. It’s believed this change to the metric system will help the virus understand the distance more easily, due to it being of foreign origin.

In addition to the new mask requirements, it is now mandated that additional protections be added to the head to assist in maintaining social distancing. The placement must be squarely on the forehead, although the exact height, length, and material are left up to the individual to decide what works best for them.

Acceptable headwear under the law:

Air Protection Device

This is a new and innovative method said to have had great success in China in flattening their curves. It’s called an air protection device. The idea is that you are able to “flap” contaminated air away from your body if you see it approaching.

Personal Bubbles

The next requirement change relates to school aged children (2-18 years old) which will require them to wear a bubble when outside of their bedrooms. Judge Whitley said this is being done due to the number of dead children from the pandemic reaching one duodecillion. Most of the victims have died of death.

Further Restrictions

Judge Whitley said he is personally looking into whether the virus can enter through the rectum in order to infect the host. When pressed, the judge said he had “hired helpers” to aid in his “personal research” on this theory. He said he didn’t have time to comment further, due to the urgency in his need to research his anal transmission theory.

Just for perspective, in the time it took you to read this article, seven hundred nonillion people became infected with the coronavirus. Time is running out.