CR’s Top 15 Predictions of 2022

We asked top fortune tellers and tarot card readers around the state what they expect from the Texas political scene in 2022. These were the top responses.

1 . GOP wins landslide elections around the country.

2. Mary Gonzalez evolves from panssxual to tradcath, switches parties to Republican.

3. Abbott continues to laugh as vaccine mandates are installed for his pals at the World Economic Forum.

4. Omicron is exposed as fake (libs still get booster, say it’s ‘real in their minds’).

5. Lacey Hull will leave politics and become a nun.

6. Carlos Turcios will lead an “insurrection” against CRT in a school district. After he’s imprisoned, Rick Perry helps him escape.

7. Dade Phelan will ask his father (Lam) for guidance as to which set of high heels will most empower him to channel his father’s energy.

8. Kamala Harris, an anchor baby who didn’t even grow up in America, will become President of the United States despite being legally ineligible (a World Record score for diversity)

9. Dan Patrick begins his gender transition under an unlicensed doctor in the Philippines.

10. Jeff Leach cries in public, is praised.

11. Valoree Swanson’s Only Fans is discovered.

12. Businesses will continue to roll out vaccine passports and vaccine mandates.

13. Texas Young Republicans are absorbed by the Log Cabin Republicans, becoming an offshoot brand.

14. Jared Patterson goes on Oprah to confirm that he is in fact a black man. Begins wearing a durag.

15. Paul Bettencourt’s pants are entered as evidence in a criminal trial.

So that’s it.

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