Texas Legislature Requiring More Tests to Enter Capitol

Visitors to the Texas Capitol on the opening day of the 87th Legislative Session will be forced to submit to a mandatory Pap smear test, according to the Texas Department of Public Safety.

The test only takes about 15 minutes according to Dr. Bill Cosby, who is administering the tests.

Sources have suggested the shift in protocol was pushed by the State Preservation Board, the governing authority for the Capitol.

According to the constitution, the Texas government can make you submit to any test they feel like before you are allowed to have your basic rights. This is according to science.

Civil rights groups have complained the mandatory Pap smear tests only apply to biological females, creating equal protection concerns in exercising first amendment rights.

However, another new mandatory test requirement for Capitol visitors in response to the Coldvid-19 pandemic has been confirmed to originate from new House Speaker Dade Phelan. Once again the requirement is said to be gender specific in order to “manage risk.”

Phelan will be refusing to let biological males into the Capitol without first providing a blood sample into a golden chalice. Aides to Phelan will be collecting the samples at public entrances inside makeshift booths. It is unclear where the lab testing will take place and what tests will be run.

Reports suggest that the blood tests will not be the only option for biological males. Sources say that a second crystal goblet will be available at the main entrance where those declining to submit a blood sample can instead submit a semen sample directly into the crystal goblet held by Phelan himself.

House Speaker Dee-Dee Phelan

It is unclear how this will “flatten da curve” of the coldvid-19 pandemic, but lawmakers have said they are doing it anyway, according to science.

Slippy Toad reporting from Austin